This one did not work for me at all!
My review of this week's practice is a bit late now - I'm a bit behind, Christmas, work etc. I'll try and explain what Mr Dixey wants us to get from this weeks practice.
He explains that in the previous weeks we have used an external anchor (a candle) to focus us. We then moved on to understanding 'how our concentration is so brittle' (p.47) with an examination of the ideas of directing focus (vitaka) and savouring that which we're focussed on (vicara). Then we moved on to an external object which changes (the bell's sound moving to silence; though you could also say the candle was always changing with currents of air no matter how small disaturbing the flame). Then we examined the moving sensation of the breath - the air on our nose, or the sensation of the abdomen rising and falling.
Week 4 leads to an 'internally generated meditation object' (p.48). He points out that so far we've already encountered all the problems you tend to get while mediatating (the novaranas), which are divided into: 'agitation and dullness; attraction and aversion - plus doubt' (ibid.).
Interestingly, considering how annoyed/irritated I got with this weeks practice, he has a lot to say about how to deal with reactions to meditations - he suggests they are parts of us that we usually push away just to get on with things, a sense of unease, an itch or an ache; but that now we are trying to properly concentrate on our embodiment with the meditation exercises, the little niggles rise up and present themselves quite strongly - a different sort of internal commentary than usual (p.49). He suggests the way to deal with these annoying sensations is to 'roll with them' - if you itch, scratch; if you feel restless, walk about for a minute; if you feel sleepy, go to sleep - but you will have dealt with these irritations differently to usual: you give yourself permission to sleep, scratch or wander off. You did it consciously, unlike usual, when you might flee any stressor to a numbing distraction (TV, drinking, overeating, you name it) without picking up on what you are doing, how the A led to the B.
"Even the voice of doubt that says, 'This is a waste of time. I'm not doing anything. I'm not getting anywhere!' can be overcome in this manner. [...]The voice arisies from internal concern. We are so used to operating from a map, that we find it challenging to be without one, even for short periods. [...] In turning to an internally generated meditation object, we move to a different modality [...] this mind gate is normally associated with what we call thoughts, essentially little bits of narration, stories composed of words and sometimes images, like short clips from a movie. We often find ourselves daydreaming as if these short clips were playing inside us. The capacity that we call imagination is a very powerful meditation object. If we can learn to approach the mind gate and use it as an object of mediatation, we can maximise the impact we have. [The power of the mind compared to other senses is] that it's objects are self-generated. We are so used to seeing ourselves as observers of events that 'happen' to us that we are unaccostomed to directly intervening in our own inner experience in this manner." (pp.50-51)
He goes on to say why:
"Normally, if a sensation arises, a thought immediately arises at our mind gate telling us what that sensation 'means'. [...] That's why the act of choosing a mental object is so powerful." (p.51)
What we had to do this week was to imagine a sort of white glowing ping pong ball infront of us, that is level with the end of our noses. As we breath out, slowly it moves away from us, going forward. As I breathe back in, it would slowly hover back toward me.
This sounds really simple. The first time I did it was fine, my internal commentary kept interrupting me and congratulating me on how well I was visualizing the white ball against the backdrop of the room I was in (my eyes were closed). Hmm. So technically I was already giving myself loud interruptions! But the second time onwards, I started having trouble visualizing the ball in spatial relation to the rest of the room. I kept not quite remembering what the Christmas tree in the left of the room looked like.
I've always had trouble with parts of my minds eye. Like, if I'm going anywhere and have to remember directions, or spread out a map in my head, I very often only have bits of that map, not enough to see where I'm going, or the length of a street. I can't connect bits of the map to other bits, I have fragments. Conversely, I can usually visualize imaginary things really clearly. The exercise they usually get you to do in witch books when you come to meditation and visualization is to imagine a very detailed 3D apple. Turn it around in your minds eye, see its every gradation of pattern, changes. Smell it, feel its smoothness. Etc. I can do that really well, albeit in small flashes.
But visualizing something moving about in the room I was actually in (as opposed to an also imagined room), I kept mentally losing bits of the room, and having to open my eyes to check I had 'seen' it properly. Yes - I kind of lost the point. It got very annoying. Then I started feeling the ball was stupid - why would I have a floating ping pong ball?! Why not something more plausible, like a...baby bird? Or a crystal, which I move with my most excellent TK powers? It also made me quite annoyed with both the decor and clutter in the living room (where I was). Yeahhhhh, I really lost the point.
The novaranas I think I was suffering from there were doubt, dullness and agitation. I did it, I got bored, questioned why I was doing it and then got cross that I was doing it badly! It did get to the point where I felt this exercise was really not doing anything for me and I ended up capping each day's session with another meditation on YouTube: one of the many excellent ones by the people at Great Meditation. Considering they only have 5 Minute ones in the section I was scrolling through, they are oddly powerful, and I loved the woman's calm voice, who was narrating them (another excellent set of visualizations voiced by a total goddess of cool English calmness are the ones at Meditainment - you can buy them all as a programme and have access forever - they are all amazing).
Mr Dixy does have a very good comments section in the book after each exercise with questions by those who already tried the exercise each week. I wasn't the only one to have trouble here, and he addresses the novaranas rearing their heads at length in this week's chapter. He explains that in the west, when we are challenged by something, we persist to get it done in a teeth gritted kind of way. Which isn't the point of the exercise. The point is feel effortless - the way of sugata, which is ease and bliss. He notes the difference between persistence and effort. He suggests we approach this exercise with the flexibility of water (hello Bruce Lee) - 'water cuts through stone. Not by cutting hard, but cutting often' (p.55). So just keep at it, and make sure however you visualise the ball, it shines. Replace the language of 'must' with interest, persistence.
So. I'm sure there are those spiritual teachers out there who will say because I found this meditation hard I should persist - because that's the one I need to learn, to break down my resistance; there's a lesson I need to learn here etc. And there are others who will say this didn't resonate with you, move on. And note you have learned that mixing real items (a room) with imaginary items (the ball) means you need to work on this aspect of your visualisation, because you didn't know you had a problem there. Note it, come back to it and work on later. And remember to be interested rather than teeth gritted, when things are hard. I'm taking that second advice and moving on to the next exercise.
See you there :-)
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